Here’s a great article on parenting that applies to Student Ministry:

“There are basically three styles of parenting. They are: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative.

Authoritarian parenting is when you find a need to be in control. Parents who are authoritarian tend to be strict and rigid. There is little room for error and typically don’t allow children to question them. In other words, there is no democracy in this type of setting.

Permissive parenting is when control has been handed over to the children. They get to make their own decisions with very little input from the parents. There are no set boundaries and even when the child does something wrong there is little, if any, consequence to their actions.

Authoritative parenting is a balance between the other two styles. Children have expectations but they are also given reasons for why those expectations are in place. They are taught to take personal responsibility for their actions but may face consequences for wrong choices.

Which style sounds more like you? Think about how you’re teen feels about your parenting style. If you are authoritarian they may be afraid to tell you things. Don’t we want our teens to open up to us? They may feel like their lives are so controlled that the first moment they can break free, they are going to do it with a vengeance.

If you are permissive, your teens may feel afraid. They are given too much freedom and although it may appear they enjoy it, deep down inside they are not mature enough to handle that. They may also feel that you don’t really care as a parent.

A teen with an authoritative parent probably feels secure and comfortable in their world. They know that there are rules and expectations and they understand why they are in place. They may not always agree with them but they at least know what to expect. They appreciate being able to make some of their own choices and learning from their own mistakes. Yet they also appreciate that their parents are a soft place to land when their world crumbles.

Take some time to really think about your parenting style. Are there any changes you would like to make?”

Hope this helps you lead better and coach leaders better.

(article from varying sources. You can google “3 types of parenting” to find a few)

As far as student ministry is concerned, this should inform how we lead small groups, coach leaders, & interact with students when we see them!

It’s no myth that a large percentage of people who lead students (teachers, youth pastors, etc.) default to “giving special privileges” to students thinking that will help them see their value but this research proves just “listening” to them is 41% more effective.

• Start with a bang! Whatever a “bang” is for you may look different than what we do but find what will be a big hit with your students and give it a shot.  The “bang” may be a new spiritual concept, literally fireworks/explosions, something funny, tons of bounce houses & a party feel, really anything out of the ordinary will do.  This will add excitement to the night. We’ve done all of the above before.

• Have all your ducks in a row. I think this is more important in high school than in middle school (we all know middle schoolers love things more when the ducks are NOT in a row, haha).  In my experience some high schoolers are looking for a reason to discount the church as “not relevant to their life” or “just a knock-off of pop culture” and if there is a lack of excellence this opens that door for them…NOT TO MENTION GOD DESERVES OUR BEST!  (Also note: You have to define excellence for your context, don’t judge it off of another church, it must be contextualized.)

• Meet the minimum expectations THEN EXCEED THEM. This one sounds odd at first but most students come to our ministries with a bare minimum expectation of what could/should happen.  Some minimum expectations are things like:  We will read/open/hear about the Bible, Jesus’ name will probably be used, someone will pray, there might be music, someone will likely talk to us, I’ll have opportunities to spend with my friends. So we try to meet those bare minimums every week (because they’re good ones) AND THEN completely exceed them by trying to constant “redefine church/youth group”.  This is especially important considering during the launch phase there are usually lots of new students. (Comment if you want me to write more on this topic).

• Don’t forget the graduating classes. You’ll likely have students in middle school who weren’t previously in middle school (5th graders) and the same thing with high school (9th graders).  For us this informs what type of language, inside jokes, illustrations we use.  It’s helpful to get new students caught up to speed on how you do things.  Inside jokes are great…unless you’re on the outside so spending some time thinking through these things helps everyone feel included.  (Side tangent:  I also want to mention, there are times when inside jokes are VERY effective at building momentum even if people don’t know them.  It provides an opportunity to say, “you’ll know what we mean after [insert event name].  I love doing this around camps, retreats, mission trips…it builds awareness and curiosity that will draw people in.)

• Have fun. I was talking with a youth pastor from Texas on the phone a few weeks ago (he said I could share this) and he was so nervous about “making a good first impression” on the new students.  He wanted everything to be just right because “we only have one shot at some of these students and I don’t want to miss out on reaching them”.  These concerns are LEGIT and are definitely to be taken into consideration but I told him “don’t forget to have fun”.  Sure there is a GIGANTIC burden for those in Student Ministry to reach EVERY STUDENT POSSIBLE for Christ, but lets not forget where our strength comes from.  ”Greater is he who is in us, than he who is in the world” …HAVE FUN DURING THIS LAUNCH PHASE.  The enemy wants us to be uptight and afraid but WE WIN, so the devil can eat it!

(Photo from Mark Beeson at Camp this past summer! Picture doesn’t say anything about these leaders it’s just a great photo!)

I’ve found that there are generally several types of Student Ministry Leaders when it comes to interacting with students.  Which one/ones are you?

• Pleaser: Tells students what they want to hear so they “like you”.
• Truth-Teller: Tell students what they need to hear, with tact, regardless of how they’ll respond.
• Passive: Refuse to say anything to a student that might rub them the wrong way.
• Harsh: Brutally honest/upfront with no tact.
• Overzealous: TMI too fast. Usually push too hard.
• Catcher: Always looking for ways to catch a student doing something wrong.
• Avoider: Prefer to stay away from direct contact with students.
• Open…but not too much: Hopes no students ask them any “deep” or “personal” questions about Faith
• Diver: Dive right in to whatever conversation is present.

Are there any that I’m missing?

(I keep hearing, “She’ll be grown-up before you know it“.  My internal response, “shut it, let me enjoy every moment until then“.  In case your wondering, my outward response, I just smile.)

Everyone knows that students are “growing older younger” but not everyone knows  this is called “Age Compression”.  Not that it really matters what it’s called but the phrase helps me understand what’s actually happening.  The age gap is being compressed…by culture, parenting, & social norms (in my opinion).  Students in 6th grade are thinking & interacting like 8th graders were 2 years ago.  8 graders are living like 10th & 11th graders lived 2 years ago, etc.

I feel like I hear SO many people saying “I can’t believe what these kids are into at such a young age” or “it amazes me how fast kids are growing up these days”…and I think to myself “You can’t believe it, look around!”  EVERYTHING we see is feeding this and sometime ‘we’ feed this.  We expect students to ‘act‘ like adults, or more mature, in certain areas of their life (i.e. the spiritual journey) YET when they do it in other areas (ie. their social life) ‘we’re shocked’.  Seems odd to me.

Besides that, why does it surprise us that we have an Enemy (the Devil) who wants to derail our children at a younger age?  As parents, teachers, and church leaders step our game up, the Devil is stepping his game up too…that shouldn’t surprise us!  Every opponent prepares to defeat their competition…even if our opponent can NEVER win unless we let him.

Let me also say, I’m not sold on the conservative idea that this “age compression” is an overtly “bad thing” and I also don’t know that it’s a “good thing” either, I just merely accept that it IS the way things are, and do ministry accordingly.  It’s more impactful to do ministry according to what ‘is’, not what ‘was’…then press people and cast a compelling vision for what ‘could be‘. (Just my opinion)

While it may not be important for us to know the actual name of this phenomenon I believe it is important for us Student Ministry folks and Children’s Ministry folks to know what’s happening.  I know it’s been a tradition of the church to deny reality and assume things aren’t the way that they are….but this is something that is worth understanding.  It will really help us move the ball down the field further faster and potentially reach more of this generation.

One of the stigma’s I find in the high schools is that some students ‘feel‘ like the church is out of touch with their reality.  Whether the church they attended/attend is or is not doesn’t matter because students respond to what they ‘feel’ not necessarily what is.

So one of the ways to bust that barrier is find ways to show them we understand their reality and then help them see what God’s Word has to say about that reality.  Proving to them week after week that the Word of God is a Truth that cannot be contained to a certain period of time.  Jesus is just as alive today as he was the days He walked the earth and the day He rose from the dead.  His word is just as powerful as it has always been.

So what are you doing in your ministry to unlock the code on how to reach, speak to, inspire, and empower a generation that is “growing older younger”?

She wrote:

“Recently I’ve been thinking about how much of a leader’s energy goes into 30% of the people in their community.  For a youth worker, that means you’re investing lots of energy into the 15% of your kids who are doing super great and the 15% of your kids who are really struggling.

But what about that middle 70%?  Who’s investing in them?  They aren’t as high maintenance or shiny as the other 30% but they’re probably the majority of your kids.

Maybe it’s time to look down the list of your kids and ask questions about each kid:

1. How is this kid doing in their journey with God?
2. How could our ministry help this kid move a bit forward?
3. What adult(s) are investing in this kid?

Let’s not ignore the vast middle…”

Loved this and I think putting feet to this and making it walk is the key.  I think everyone would agree with the post but the challenge is making this happen.

I’ve taken some time off work to be with Brooke and Jada, and during that time I’ve been thinking about how much I love what I get to do.

A couple of things I observed about the student ministry world over last week:

1. If you care about results, feedback, encouragement, deliverables, follow through, etc., it seems to be one of the hardest jobs you could ever undertake. As much as those matter, they’re not always present and if they are, the metrics aren’t always so cut and dry…and they DEFINITELY don’t tell the whole story.
2. It’s too important to have quitters running the show.  Students have enough people walking in and out of their lives, failing them, leaving them high and dry when things get tough, misunderstanding them…they don’t need spiritual mentors who are quitters…hang in there…it matters!
3. It requires more than just “liking students”…you have to “love students”…THEN “love them enough to help them see Christ clearly”…THEN “Love them enough to stick with them when they mess up, have tough questions, rebel, disobey, or even run from Christ”.
4. It’s worth the energy, time, & love!
5. If you’re really into it, you’ll do it wrong at some point because no blanket approach will work every time, but how you bounce back and disciple through it will bless the students who’re watching you.
6. Lastly, IT’S THE GREATEST JOB ON THE PLANET! Besides parenting, what better job is out there than, year after year, raising up the generation who will take over the leadership of Christ’s Bride one day!  Don’t forget, students are ‘the Church’…God’s sent people!

What do students need that we can’t give them?

Sometimes in student ministry we can ‘operate‘ as if we’re all that a student needs and from time to time I have to ask myself what are the things I “can’t” give them.

I’ve found in our ministry that we may not overtly ‘say’ we can give them everything they need but we program, plan, & function as if there is no other voices in their lives that are stronger than ours regarding discipleship.  (It’s completely untrue but sometimes our actions speak otherwise)  It’s not intentional but sometimes it plays itself out that way.

I also say that because very few student ministries have VIBRANT ‘Partnering with Parents’ area of their ministry.  We may ‘communicate‘ with parents, we may invite them to a meeting, we may tell them 40 different ways that we ‘support‘ them and ‘care‘ about their role but I like to ask is “how are we ministering to families”.

I think a great question for us student min folks to ask is ‘what can we do to leverage the voices of parents and peers in our ministry’ .

What are your thoughts/insights?

We must call students to a life “WE’RE” living as we follow Jesus.  Let’s not fill this generation with “theory”, let’s show them how to live this! LIVE WELL.

If students know it’s possible they’re pursue it….if you’re blowing smoke, they’ll sniff it out and assume you don’t believe what you’re teaching.

(This doesn’t mean we’re perfect, but it does mean we should live a life worthy of the calling of Jesus Christ)

This is something I can chew on for a while.

“Sin ALWAYS takes you farther than you want to go, Sin ALWAYS keeps you longer than you want to stay and Sin ALWAYS costs you more than you want to pay” -Mark Beeson in our weekend service on Mother’s Day weekend.

Two things about this thought:

1. This is one of those things, you THINK you understand but if that’s the case why is that we find ourselves struggling with the same patterns of sin in our lives over and over again?
2. This rolls off the tongue nicely but that never produced life change in anyone has it?  What if we let amazing quotes/thoughts/sermons like this CHANGE US!

Question #2:  As a youth pastor who is constantly looking for ways to translate/communicate God’s word to students, have I failed to daily let the Words of Christ deeply affect me.

If we fail to be affected by the Word when we hear it, what would make us think our students will live any different?