Tag: Parenting Tips

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A GIVING teen, is there such a thing?

First of all Happy Turkey Day! Here's an article from HERE that lists some of the benefits of being/having a giving teen.

A giving nature has been documented to help us in myriad ways. According to Stephen Post and Jill Neimark, authors of Why Good Things Happen to Good People, those who do good have healthier hearts, are less depressed, have higher self-esteem, and are generally more successful. It's no surprise, then, that dynamic CEOs are commonly altruistic and giving. In fact, according to one study that appeared in Psychosomatic Medicine, a healthy mental outlook is linked more to giving help than getting help. So prodding our kids to get out of themselves and become more involved with others can lead to a better life for them now and in the years to come. Here are a few more reasons to encourage a giving nature in your teenager:

• Teens who give tend to have good family relationships. Communication is less stifled, which in turn means less risky behavior such as substance abuse, alcoholism, and unsafe sex.
• Charitable young people are less likely to cry over what they don't have and more likely to feel grateful for what they do have. One study from the University of California at Davis showed that people who expressed gratitude felt better and functioned better physically.
• Altruistic youth tend to be socially competent and have higher self-esteem. Being giving requires confidence; reaching out to others is not for the timid or insecure.
• Giving younger people are more likely to be healthy in middle age. According to research from Wellesley College, benevolent kids will likely eat right, not smoke, exercise, and visit the doctor regularly later in life.

The rest of the article is good too, so go here to check it out if you want to read more.

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Love this from Doug Fields on Thankfuless

These are brilliant!

1. THANKFULNESS RE-FOCUSES MY PERSPECTIVE

It’s easy to complain and point out problems, no one ever grumbles their way into a better attitude. Fortunately thankfulness can shift our focus to the blessings we’ve received from God. No matter how bad things get, in Jesus there is always reason to be thankful. It’s our responsibility to receive God’s gift and thank him.

2. THANKFULNESS INCREASES MY HUMILITY

Every blessing in our lives is a gift from God and not something we could have created or earned on our own. Everything belongs to God, and the only way we “have” something is because of his generosity. Because of the numerous blessings received, it’s easy for a feeling of entitlement to slowly creep into our lives and darken our hearts. Thankfulness turns on the light and recognizes God as the provider for our needs.

3. THANKFULNESS BUILDS MY FAITH

Gratitude recognizes the past work of God in our lives. When we remember God’s faithfulness, we position our hearts to trust him to provide for our future. God has given us everything we’ve needed, and he will continue to give us what we need. Developing the habit of being thankful also creates the capacity to trust God during the lean times.

Got these from his Newsletter.  If you do Student Ministry you should really check this out!

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Teens are more entitled than grateful

Lucky for us this article was written by someone who's got real skin in the game, not a guy who's just beginning this journey.  (Doesn't mean I don't have good advice, it just means that 90% of you won't consider it justifiable because I haven't "been there" and that's totally legitimate and cool with me!  Just know that I spend tons of hours with your students (or students like them) and they tell me stuff they don't/won't tell you so I do have a little inside track on what's working on what's not from their point of view.  That won't be in this article but if you're curious ask and I'll tell.)

The complaint:

“My teenager is just NOT grateful for anything we do for him.  I keep trying to introduce gratitude practices into our family dinners, but he just sulks through them.  What can I do?”  I hear this a lot in my classes for parents.

Some helpful steps:

"This doesn’t mean that we should give up on teaching our teens to feel and express more gratitude in their lives.  Here are some suggestions for practicing gratitude with teenagers: (1) Go at it indirectly, by fostering altruism rather than gratitude.  Helping others evokes feelings of gratitude, compassion, and confidence in people of any age. (2) Let teens lead.  One size doesn’t fit all when it comes to practicing gratitude—and a gratitude practice is going to be a lot less effective if it is seen as a chore or an assignment.  So tell teens you want them to design a gratitude practice for your whole family this year.  “You are old enough: You design a new tradition for us!”  And by all means, let them take the credit, even if they come up with something you suggested weeks ago. (3) Allow snarkiness, teasing, and humor in your expressions of gratitude.  My dad used to ask us for reasons we were grateful for the people we were complaining about, and this lead to a lot of sarcastic comments like, “Well, I’m grateful I don’t have any classes with her.”  Sometimes teen gratitude is, well, a little minimalist. (4) Use gratitude to cultivate the growth mindset in difficult times.  What did you learn from that terrible experience?  What good came out of it, despite the difficulty?  The aim is to get to something along the lines of, “Thank goodness that X happened, because otherwise I wouldn’t have had Y opportunity!” (5) Be persistent.  When teens feel authentic gratitude, it is a positive emotion for them just like for everyone else.  When they create a gratitude practice that works for them, feelings of gratitude will become habitual, hopefully built into their daily lives.  Even if they resist heartily at first—remember, that is their job as adolescents—I have heard many, many stories of gratitude resistors who blossom into appreciative young adults. As Mike Riera artfully describes in his book Staying Connected to Your Teenager, kids need to struggle with and for their autonomy, and this will sometimes mean struggling with feelings of entitlement and dependence.  Our job as a parent is to help our teens become experts on themselves—including what they feel grateful for—and to help them discover what they want for themselves."

What I am personally going to do is "start early".  I don't want to wait until I realize their NOT grateful to start making changes.  I ASSUME that they enter this world completely ungrateful so my work began the day J hit the scene.  I'll let you know how that works IN 13 YEARS, HAHA. This is only a select chunk of the article, the rest of the article is HERE.

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Backing off and backing out are two different things

It's increasing common that parents feel they're trying to hard, or being too overbearing, but just because your teen says so doesn't make it true. Teenagers need their parents more than they realize. Often, parents believe that adolescence is a time to back off completely. There is some pretty legit logic to this thinking though. During the teenage years teenagers become more autonomous and independent.

It is important that parents do not however confuse the role of backing off with backing out.

As the case with so much of life, BALANCE is the key to ensuring that your teenager successfully negotiate the 2010-2011 challenges that lie ahead.  A key component to ensuring this balance is an open and interactive line of communication with your teens. Sending the message that you recognize their getting more autonomous (probably don't want to use that language) and independent (seems like a safe word to use) helps them know that you understand where they are.  Another good way to edify this growth in their life is to allow them to take more (safe) risks and face some of the new challenges on their own.  Basically just encourarging their independence and autonomy.

HOWEVER, make sure to continue to send the message that you're involved in their lifes and that you haven't checked out.  They will NEVER say it but it helps them to know you're keeping track of them, monitoring them from a safe but legitimate distance.

So allow some space but communicate support, guidance, and presence.

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How to handle a wayward teenager.

I got these categories from somewhere but thought they apply perfectly for working with students in todays culture. Whether you're a student ministry worker, teacher, or parent these should be some helpful guidelines. 1. Breathe This can be overwhelming sometimes...even for a strong-willed personality like me. But sometimes it's best to go for a walk and breathe so that you don't do or say something you'll regret. Don't immediately respond. 2. Measure & Evaluate the Problem Try to figure out what's really going on. What or who is the student REALLY made at? Is it something that you control or is it really outside circumstances? Get specific on how big the problem really is? You also have to take into consideration how fast things are growing. Are things getting worse or are people calming down? Your response should be determined AFTER you measure and evaluate the problem. 3. Evaluate your Team Once you know what you’re up against, take a look at your team. Sometimes you're the best person to handle the situation...and sometimes you're not. (This is assuming you're not going at this alone. If you are going at this alone, assemble a group of people to help you walk through this and consider that your 'team'.) For instance, I have pretty sharp edged and i talk pretty straight, i see no need to finesse much of anything...wellllllll that isn't always the best approach depending on the type of student i'm dealing with.....SO, i look at my team and see if there is anyone who would be better equiped to handle the situation...if not, i check volunteers, parents, then if I still haven't found a suitable match, i do it! One of the things about being a leader, sometimes you just have to do it! Also ask, is the problem bigger than your team? Should the situation be handled by people outside of your team and also are the implications bigger than the scope of your team? If so process accordingly. 4. Create Your Action Plan Pretty simple and self-explanatory. Some thing to think about as you create the plan: What is the desired outcome? Where are the biggest fires located? (Check niches too Facebook, twitter, etc.) Who is the person involved? What's their home/school life like? What is the damage to the organization? Where does it make sense to respond, where does it not? 5. Once you've created the plan...work the plan. In this process offer lots of grace, pray continually, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Wisdom is knowing when to say i'm in over my head. Don't be afraid to do that!

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Student Ministry is a family affair

I try to always remember that in pursuit of our mission there are SO many things to consider.  Sometimes when I read our vision statement "Helping students take their next step towards Christ...together" I quickly forget that it's not just about STUDENTS. One of things I feel we're called to do at GSM is "walk along side of parents as THEY raise their students." I know that a lot of student ministries SAY that's what their about, but I want us at GSM always to remember where our place is in a students life...along side the parent. I strongly believe that Student Ministry is a family affair and if we forget that we're not the parents we could really ruin our parents influence on their student. Let's be real, most students think their youth workers (unpaid and paid) are pretty cool. Every student wants to be "cool".  Well if the "cool person" says something contradictory to mom or dad, guess who the students normally wants to listen to.   Yep you guessed it.  I've seen this happen many times. It concerns me because we've made a promise to parents that we would "walk along side them" and if we're getting in their way we're not beside them, we're trying to stand in their place. I think we need to at all costs avoid making promises to parents we can't/don't keep so as youth workers we need to rememeber our place. (You might be saying, "i know that already". If you know that already awesome!  But ask yourself; Do I make my decisions in light of that knowledge? If not, why not? I find it easy to scream, 'i know that already' but sometimes struggle to really operate out of my knowledge.  Maybe you know what I mean.  How are those 'Fruit of the Spirits' coming along?  Do you just know them or are you living them?)

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Formula for communicating better with your kids

Naomi Aldort wrote a book called "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" that's pretty good so far!   In it she talks about this formula that's intended to help you communicate better with your kids.  I liked the idea of it and thought it was worth posting for people looking for some other approaches to communicate with their kids. Personally I feel like I'll be a little more hard-nosed than this but I love hearing different approaches because what I THINK I'm going to do may not work AT ALL when the time comes!!! hahaha...then I may try this! lol Everybody parents differently but I hope this is helpful if you're struggling communicating.  Kids in 2010 are different than they were in 1980's & 1990's so having a good arsenal is a good idea.

S – “Separate yourself from your child’s behavior and emotions with a Silent Self-talk. This is the hardest step; once you can do it, the rest flows easily. Notice that when your child’s action elicits your reaction, your mind puts words into your mouth. … To avoid hurting your child, read the words on the automatic window silently in your head.” A –“Attention on your child. When you have silently investigated the conversation inside your head (which has nothing to do with your child), shift your attention from yourself and your inner monologue to your child.” L – “Listen to what your child is saying or to what his actions may be indicating; then listen some more. Make eye contact with your child and ask questions that would provide him with an opportunity to speak some more, or if the child expresses himself non-verbally, to let him know that you understand” V – “Valídate your child’s feelings and the needs he expresses without dramatizing and without adding your own perception.” E – “Empower your child to resolve his own upset by getting out of his way and trusting him. Show confidence in his resourcefulness by not getting all wound up and by not rushing to fix everything.” In the situation where your son has come to you upset because his sister won't share a toy with him, the SALVE formula might work like this: S - You think "I'm so tired of your fighting!" but you don't say this. A - You look at your son. L - You listen and summarize, "You asked to play with her zoo animals but she said no." V - You validate his feelings, "You're mad because you can't play with the zoo animals right now." E - You let him decide on what to do next.

I haven't read the whole book (I went looking specifically for this content) but even if it's just for that this book is probably worth buying.  If interested you can buy it here.

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Teen drinking and driving

This is from Michele Broba - I value her writings and advice! She wrote:

The parenting advice I shared with Dateline that could save your teen’s life! Imagine you and your teen are part of this scene that took place two weeks ago. How do you think your teen would respond? You drop your teen off to what you both think is a casting call for a reality show and are escorted to a room with the other parents. A woman comes in to introduce herself as a producer from NBC’s Dateline explaining that they’re doing a special about the dangers of teen drinking and driving. Hidden cameras will film your unsuspecting kid with an actor who is to play the role of a drunken drinker. He tells your kid that he’s been drinking. Your kid can smell the alcohol on his breath (though he really hasn’t had a drop), sees that the clearly unfit to drive, and admits later that he believed that the actor consumed alcohol. You watch the scene live on a monitor reminding yourself that you’ve told your teen repeatedly to never get into a car with a drunk driver and the dangers. So now the question: Will your teen get into that car knowing the driver has been drinking? Dateline filmed the scene again and again while the parents watched. And each time every single teen got into the car with a driver who they thought was drunk. Every teen also got into the car when the actor took his “drunken role” up a notch appearing unable to walk and clearly unfit to drive. And each and every time the parent voiced complete and total disbelief. Don’t be too sure your teen wouldn’t do the same. If there’s a lesson it’s this: Please don’t use a “not my kid” kind of attitude. Underage drinking is a growing problem. And the mix of drinking and driving are a lethal combination. Here are tips that could save your teen’s life that I offered Dateline. This is one parenting peril we cannot ignore. Review these skills with your teen. PLEASE! The Dateline special: “The Perils of Parenting” airs tonight at 10 pm. Watch!!! It covers Stranger Danger, Bullying, Drinking and Driving, Lying, Teen Texting and more. I worked with the producers to provide tips on the best parenting responses to reduce risky behaviors. Drinking and Driving Strategies That Could Save Your Teen’s Life Be a good model. A recent study found that adolescents whose parents were authoritative (rank high is discipline, monitoring, support and warmth) were less likely to drink heavily than adolescents whose parents were authoritarian, indulgent or neglectful. If you’re not an example of responsible behavior don’t expect your kid to act responsibly. Your teen is watching. Be the example you want your teen to catch. Start early and talk often. It makes no difference that your child does not have a driver’s license let alone a car. Now is the time to stress one emphatic rule: “NEVER ever drink and drive.” Talk to your kid about the dangers of drinking and driving. And keep talking! Research shows that a close parental relationship with teens is a powerful way to reduce risky behaviors.   Don’t make liquor available. Teens admit getting alcohol is easy-and the easiest place is in their home. Count those liquor bottles. Lock up your liquor supply–and don’t tell your teen where the key is! Watch your credit card: the hottest new place kids buy alcohol is on the Internet. And admonish an older sibling to not be the supplier. Be strict. A study of over 1000 teens found that teens with “hands on” parents who establish clear behavior expectations, monitor their comings and goings, and aren’t afraid to say no are four times less likely to engage in risky behaviors like drinking and driving. Put it in writing. Have your teen sign a contract to never drink and drive. Students Against Drunk Driving (SADD) www.saddonline.com provides a free online contract to download. It may help them pause just the second they need to not get behind that wheel. Set clear consequences. Stress to your teen that drinking and driving—either as the driver or passenger—means an automatic lose of his or her driving license. Teen’s say they will be more cautious if they know you are serious and will follow through. Teens also say that fear of parental punishment is a big reason they don’t call. So make a pack: if your teen calls for a ride, he can keep that license. Develop comebacks. Peer pressure is fierce, and teens say those “Just say no” type lines don’t work. So help your adolescent create lines to use to with peers that let her save face and buck the pressure: “My dad will take away my license.” “I don’t need a ride-my friend is coming.” “My mom will ground me for life—and she always finds out.” Invent a secret code. Teens say that losing face with peers is a big reason they don’t call for help. “I couldn’t call you. My friends would hear!” So create a text code like “1-1-1” or a phrase such as “I’m getting the flu” so your teen can save face and still alert you that needs rescue. Then promise that you’ll pick her up with no questions asked. Create “just in case” backups. Give your teen a card with phone numbers of taxicab services. Put emergency money in a drawer and tell your teen to use it “Just in case you ever need a taxi cab.” Set a pack with a trusted adult that if you’re not available, your teen knows he can call her for help. Set up the Safe Rides program at your community. Get teen to designate other peers as drivers who do not drink. Get on board with other parents. Know your teen’s friends and their parents. Call any parent hosting a party to ensure they’re really supervising those parties. Ninety-nine percent of parents say they would not serve alcohol at their kid’s party; 28% of teens say they have been at supervised parties where alcohol is available. Ninety-eight percent of parents say they’re present, but 33% of teens say parents are rarely or never at teen parties. Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert Dr. Michele Borba is an educational psychologist, parenting expert, Today show contributor and author of 22 books including The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries. For more about her work see Michele Borba.com or follow her on twitter @micheleborba.

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Parenting questions about school problems

I found the below post on Michele Borba's site a couple weeks ago and thought it was good info to post.  Do with it what you will.  Hope it's helpful

Posted: September 28th, 2010 by Michele Borba NBC is featuring a week-long focus on education. This morning on the TODAY show parents had the opportunity to call, email or skype in parenting questions about their children’s education. I appeared as the TODAY parenting contributor along with a fabulous high school chemistry teacher from Los Angeles and an incredible principal from the Baltimore area. The Today Show website was flooded with queries, but here are the top five the producers chose to be answered live of the set because they were asked so frequently by other parents. Here are my answers:

1. What do you do if your child’s teacher turns your child off from learning?

Most kids complain about a teacher, but if your kid isn’t a complainer, has legitimate and serious complaints that could jeopardize his learning, set up a teacher conference. Don’t rush to judgment but start on a positive note. Describe your concern, and then ask what two of you can do to solve it. (Use “we” more than “you” – you’re more likely to get a more helpful response). Then wait a week and see if there is any change. If there is no resolution and your child’s, persist. Go up the chain of command: principal, superintendent, to the school board. You may have to switch schools, but a toxic teacher can hinder your child’s education not only that year but start a lifelong spiral of defeat.

2. How do you know when to worry about your child’s learning? How do I know if my child has a learning disability?

If a child is really struggling (usually in math, reading or speech), just doesn’t get it, and is falling below his potential, abilities or peers it may be a learning disability. Talk to teacher, and request an assessment for a possible Individual Education Plan. If you’re not successful, make a written request to the site administrator. A learning disability is not a phase or something the child outgrows. If not treated early, things can snowball: your child gets further behind, his self-esteem plummets and behavior problems can result. Also, know that if the child is tested privately, you may pay-make sure school district accepts test results.

3. Your child is being exposed violence and sex at school that you never expected. How do you prepare them and yourself for the grittier parts of life?

Kids are exposed to R-rated issues at younger ages so get savvy and prepare yourself so you can prepare your kid. Talk to other parents. And eavesdrop on his friend’s conversations. (Carpooling is a great way to get that info!). Kids do need guidance to make sense out of usually false information as well as a sounding board to handle tougher issues like bullying and violence and sex. Tips: Begin from the get-go by keeping an open dialogue with your child so he will come to you. You can then make sure that you give him information that is geared to his level of understanding. Do believe your child. Kids say they told us “tough stuff” when they were younger, but then stopped when we responded with a “I don’t believe it” attitude. Teach your child the difference between Reporting (trying to keep someone out of trouble) and Tattling (trying to get someone in trouble) in case there is bullying or violence. You and your child should know how to report threats to your school (and please take threats seriously 75% kids before they commit homicide, suicide or violent act tell a peer. Kids are our best safety net. Don’t ever promise your child you won’t tell – you may have to step in and report.

4. How much should I rely on my child’s guidance counselor?

A little reality check here: the average student–counselor high school ratio varies from 400 to 1,250[i] so you must be proactive. Go to every one of those open houses and always stop by and meet the guidance counselor at least once a year. Once there, clarify your teen’s educational aspirations early whether it is Ivy League to Junior College. Different courses have different values at different universities and you must ensure that your child is on the right course track. You also may want to tell the counselor that you do not want your teen changing courses without your permission. Teens do that often and there’s a rude awakening when your child is minus a key class. You want to make sure that counselor’s skills match your teen’s needs. You can request another counselor from the principal if you don’t think his or her needs or being met. There are also outside educational consultants but do know they can be pricey.

5. Should I push my teen into that challenging AP classes when he balks?

This is always a tough call but three things help you make the right decision: Previous history: Take into account the child’s past grade in subject as well as the teacher or counselor recommendation. Do they feel your child is capable? Kid’s view: Listen to the kid’s “why not” factor to help you determine if there is “just cause for not taking the class. Hear him out. There may be another reason besides “It’s too hard.” Check your expectations: Ensure your expectations match your child’s actual abilities. Think of a rubber band: the right expectations stretch your child’s potential without snapping his spirit. Dr. Michele Borba, Parenting Expert [i] Guidance and School Counseling – A Brief History of School Guidance and Counseling in the United States http://education.stateuniversity.com/pages/2023/Guidance-Counseling-School.html#ixzz10NchfHDb [i] Counselor ratio of 1-to-250 is recommended by the American School Counselor Association;

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Gay daughter says, Don't quote the Bible at me

I don't ever watch Grey's Anatomy but this episode makes me want to.  I was watching this after the Notre Dame game last saturday night and I was intrigued by this clip because it's touching on a reality a lot of people face. Context: The daughter is gay, the father is upset and believes he went wrong somewhere in his parenting and his method for helping her is "quoting the Bible" at her in hopes that she will no longer be gay and in this episode he traveled 3000 miles with a Priest to try to get her to change her ways. I know this dips into apologetics and what you believe about gay people being Christians but don't let that scare you off.

What are your thoughts on how the father handled this?

How is a father (or Christian father for that matter) who loves his gay daughter supposed to handle this situation if he believes it's wrong for her to be gay?

Better yet, what if it's not about being gay, how is a father supposed to respond when his child isn't living the way that he feels he raised him/her to live?

Should he keep trying, looking for the right method based on the nature of his child.  Or should be throw up his hands and say she's a grown woman, she can and will do what she wants?

How do you love & parent through a child negative patterns of decisions?

This is a parenting issue.  What are parents to do?  Comment below. I'd love to read your thoughts.